Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
