You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
