i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
