i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Ladies don't puke and tell
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
