Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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