you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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