So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
