i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
