I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
