Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
