I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
