what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
