I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
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He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
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Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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