hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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