I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
