i just sent this text using only my big toe
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
