Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So vagazzling was a success
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
