Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
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