just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
