How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
