guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
