just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
