Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
