Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
