tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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