dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
