I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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