I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
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I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
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I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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