sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
