You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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