My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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