If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
