i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
