Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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