I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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