Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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