So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
