I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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