my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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