So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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