I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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