Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We got so high we made milksteak
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
