my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
