i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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