how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
