I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
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