u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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