I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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