the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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