where am i from again
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
