Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
