If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
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I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
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i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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