Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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