alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
