I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
