I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
