if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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