i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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