He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
