I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
